Responding to Perceived Rudeness

As human beings, we all have things that ‘push our buttons’. One behaviour that many of us can find difficult is rudeness. When we think someone is being deliberately rude to us, it can feel like a personal affront, leading us to react to them, rather than respond.

What is rudeness?

Rudeness – or, at least, what we perceive as rudeness – is something we all encounter at some point, although the definition of ‘rude’ can vary widely. It can also look and sound different, depending on the age and needs of the individual concerned.

Rudeness can include:

• Intentionally not listening to someone, or acting as if we can’t hear or see them
• Choosing not to follow instructions, rather than not understanding or being unable to follow them
• Swearing and using offensive language
• Spitting
• Making someone feel uncomfortable by discussing taboo subjects, such as weight or appearance
• Turning our back on someone or moving away from them
• Offensive gestures
• Mocking, teasing, or laughing at someone

Rudeness: intentional or not?

Sometimes, people can appear to be rude without realising it, and what one person perceives as rude may differ from another. For example, honesty can feel very rude, particularly if it’s about something like our personal appearance. Somebody might say, “Your hair looks messy today,” and mean it simply as an observation, rather than a judgement or criticism.

Whether we deem this sort of comment rude or not depends on a number of factors, such as the intention behind it, knowledge of the individual, and the relationship we have with them. Of course, rudeness is not always unintentional: some individuals may deliberately say or do things to elicit a reaction from us, or to upset us.

Being rude can also be a habitual response, driven by prior experiences and feelings, and can sometimes be used to mask feelings of discomfort or insecurity. Behind the behaviour, an individual may actually be feeling anxious, angry, or attempting to deflect us away from something else.

Whatever the feelings that are driving the rude behaviour, how we respond to it can either help defuse or further escalate the situation.

How to respond to perceived rudeness

Responding to rudeness, actual or perceived, will be determined by a range of contextual factors, and there is no uniform, one-size-fits-all solution.

However, these suggestions can form part of our toolkit of strategies and can be tailored to suit our unique contexts.

1: Try not to take rudeness personally
This is easier said than done, particularly when we are feeling stressed, upset, or tired, but we need to try and remember that we all lead complex, emotional lives – and this goes for the individuals we support, too.

Sometimes, we can be seen as a role rather than a person, so frustration with systems, processes, rules and regulations can be directed towards us. If an individual is having a difficult day, they may inadvertently vent at us, saying or doing things we consider rude.

We can try not to take rudeness as a reflection of ourselves, and instead focus on the reasons behind the behaviour we are seeing.

2: Think of rude behaviour as communication
All behaviour is a means of communication, and while we might prefer to see a different behaviour, rudeness is also being driven by thoughts, feelings and experiences.

Rather than assuming an individual is intentionally being rude, we can try to be empathetic and seek to understand why this is happening. Perhaps they are emulating behaviour they have witnessed? Maybe they are simply communicating very directly? Or perhaps they struggle with impulsivity and do not intend to be rude? A puzzle-solving approach can help us uncover the underlying motivation behind the perceived rudeness.

3: Find space to pause
The only thing we can fully control in a difficult situation is ourselves and how we respond. It can be difficult to stay calm and think about what to do next, but making a conscious effort to pause before reacting buys us time to regulate ourselves and choose an appropriate response.

A calm, composed approach can help to de-escalate the situation. We can think about our body language and tone of voice; saying less and speaking more slowly can help defuse the conflict.

4: Employ a ‘change of face’
Sometimes, especially if we feel our ‘buttons’ are being pushed and we are becoming heightened ourselves, it can be helpful to employ a change of face. Swapping over with a colleague can be a highly effective way to defuse a situation, giving everyone involved time and space to re-regulate.

After ensuring the individual is safe, we can move away for a few moments, concentrate on our breathing, have a drink of water, or go for a walk until we feel under control again. As always, we need to remember that seeking or accepting support is a sign of professional strength.

5: Model our expectations
Some of the people we support may need our help and guidance to understand what rudeness is, and how to interact in a kind, compassionate and sensitive way.

Using our knowledge of individuals, we can model our expectations, and explain calmly why certain behaviours could be construed as rude. For example, we might say, “When you turn your back on me when I’m talking, it makes me think you aren’t listening” or “When I’m talking, you interrupt me and I feel like I can’t tell you important information.”

It’s vital that we consider factors such as neurodivergence when supporting individuals, and always ensure use strategies that work best for them.

6: Practise responses in advance
It can be hard to think clearly when we feel someone is being rude, so practising a list of go-to phrases can help us respond appropriately, especially when we are tired, upset, or taken by surprise.

We might say:

• “I can see that something is wrong.”
• “I am sorry you feel that way.”
• “I wonder if…”
• “How can I help?”

We then need to give the individual the opportunity to respond, so we can listen to what they tell us and work together to find positive ways forward.

7: Repair and restore relationships
If there has been an incident where we feel an individual has been rude, either to us or to someone else within the setting, a restorative conversation can help pave the way for relationship repair.

When everyone is feeling calm and able to reflect, we can engage in the process of restoration, seeking to understand what happened and why, and identify ways to reduce the likelihood of recurrence in the future.

Reducing rudeness in our settings

Rudeness, whether real or perceived, can test relationships and make it difficult to nurture positive, supportive environments.

By identifying the factors that underpin rudeness, we can support individuals to better understand why they engage in this behaviour and work together to always communicate in a kind and compassionate way.

If you’d like to talk to us about your needs when it comes to supporting behaviour in your setting, please get in touch any time.